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So What's The Deal With Medication?

  • Sep 9, 2017
  • 6 min read

IN THE MOOD TO SKIM? If you'd like to skip to the overarching point of this article, click here to head to the bottom of the page and read the Too Long: Didn't Read {TL:DR} version at the end of the article.

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About a month ago, I saw someone ask the internet how it felt to be on medication, because they weren't sure whether they, as a parent, it was safe for them to take it.

There is such a heavy stigma around the idea of "taking medication."

Don't get me wrong. Some people legitimately don't care, or are all for it. But some people, and these people seem to have the loudest voices, are vehemently against the idea of taking medication for their own chemical imbalances, or of their loved ones doing so.

I used to be one of those people. I'm not proud of it. But I understand why I felt that way: I didn't know any better.

A lot of people in my life were on some kind of antidepressant, and they seemed well enough to me. I thought, "They seem okay. Why do they need medication?"

It turns out, they were okay because of the medication.

It seems like an easy and fairly obvious conclusion to come to, but it was years before I figured that out. It makes me ashamed to say that it took my own severe (and recurring) breakdowns to gain any real insight into this simple fact.

Me, On The Wrong Medication

For the last three years in particular, my brain has been an unsettling cocktail of bipolar, autism and PTSD. The wild ride of ups and downs didn't seem to have any particular pattern. And for the bulk of that time I was completely undiagnosed, with diagnoses finding me in dribs and drabs, i.e. not all at once. All I knew was that I felt insane, properly insane, the way it seems in the movies and history books. My emotions were all over the place and wildly disproportionate to the things that were making me feel that way. Often, I would put it down to "hormones," because that was something I could understand. Hormones were the chemicals I had the most knowledge of - I didn't think or know much about endorphins, serotonin, adrenaline or cortisol.

By the beginning of last year I knew I'd had enough of my meltdowns, where I would spend up to a month functioning at the barest minimum, where my only motivator was keeping my offspring alive and as happy as I could while not existing within myself.

I tried a certain type of antidepressant that wasn't right for me. It took me further out of the real world than I already was at the time. I became a husk of myself; I had no real thoughts other than holding tightly onto the most painful memories and crying myself to sleep every night, instead of every other night, and every shower, too. The worst part was that I didn't have a support network at the time. The few friends I reached out to had ulterior motives, and while I was fortunately (somehow) not the in the kind of vulnerable state that would have enabled them to take advantage, I am still suffering from damage from those "friendships" to this day. While I was on the wrong medication, I had the worst breakdown I've ever had: I had to send my offspring to stay with the family-to-whom-I-was-not-speaking, so that I could shut down completely for a few days on my friend's couch.

In the end, I only realised the medication was making me feel this way when I forgot to bring it with me. After 13 hours of not taking those pills, I had more clarity of thought, and I realised just how bad I had been.

Why am I telling you this?

It is so, very important to acknowledge and understand the dangers of taking the wrong medication, so that you know what to look out for. It's also important to have any kind of support network you can muster. Find even just one person who can keep an eye on you as you transition onto your new medication.

Often times, people think medication is a quick fix, or a total fix, or even that it actually "fixes" a person's mind. Even the right medication doesn't magically correct everything. The best it can do is soothe, a little, and maybe make your own mind a little more manageable to be in. Most importantly of all: Medication was designed to complement professional help. We should also be seeing a psychologist, counsellor or psychiatrist. I would recommend seeing one before you start your medication, as well as when you start, so they can see how you're going. In Australia, you can get some free mental health support by asking your doctor for a mental health plan.

Me, on the RIGHT Medication

Recently, my mental health reached another low, and this time it felt very dangerous. So I went to my doctor and I told him: "Please. I can't take this any more. The last medication you gave me was a disaster. What else is available to help me?" He said "Let's try mood stabilisers."

At first I was worried. They sounded intense, and I do love my emotional spectrum - when my mental health is generally on the sunnier side. I didn't want anything that would grey me out. "Actually," my doctor said. "You kind of do. Something to tone down the edges." And he was absolutely right. My brain was out of control. My emotional responses were even more disproportionate than they had ever been, despite having less reason than ever to be so. My life had finally become a stable, beautiful place, and yet my mind was a hive of paranoia, insecurity, bitterness and misery. It was just my brain's way of saying it doesn't trust this rosy lifestyle, after all the tumult and horror I've been through, but I really needed to take the edge off my thoughts before I ruined my own life.

Again.

I've now been on my new medication for about a month and a half. My thoughts are clearer, my emotions are back to their usual size - which is still larger than the average person, but that is how I like it. My mind is a manageable place. I am functioning again! I can cook, work on #OOMMAHFOM, write... think. Relax. All of my favourite things are once again my favourite things, and not just a cloudy memory of "this one time I felt an emotion that I'm pretty sure no longer exists." I am myself again.

So if you need the help, if your chemicals are out of whack, if you're even just thinking of giving it a go... this is what I want you to know:

The right medication will improve your quality of life.

The scale of improvement will vary from case to case: it may only be a little, and if you're lucky like I was, it could be a lot. But if you're suffering and you don't know what else to do, I cannot recommend it highly enough.

Thanks for reading this extra-long whirlwind! Sending you much love, Aurora-Jak Rose

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{TL:DR}

I have just started on medication for the second time in my life. I have bipolar, PTSD, am on the Autistic Spectrum (mildly), and all the depression and anxiety a girl could want. And then a buttload extra. I have up to three months of dysfunction at a time, and I'm a mum. I have a support network but...I still need to be here, I still need to function. And recently, it was all too much. My highs made me anxious rather than elated and I had just really, really had enough of the roller-coaster that is my natural chemical avalanche. My first attempt at medication was disastrous. I got much worse, and with no support network at the time, looked after my child but failed to exist in the outside world in almost every other way. I turned inward and thought about dying a lot. My son was my only anchor to the world and, well, thank god I had him as a reason to live.

I've just started on mood stabilisers and I feel like myself again. I can still feel things, but I'm not skyrocketing and plummeting into the darkness over every possible trigger. It's a miracle. I really missed being me. I highly recommend medication - that works. But it's a process. Trial and error. Have a support network around you. Medication is not a quick fix, and was created to be a partner to seeing a psychologist - which you can do in Aus for free. My quality of life is so much better."

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