Dichotomy

(Photo by Cody Davis on Unsplash)

Do you ever hold two opposing ideas in your head, equally?

I do. I'm not sure if it's because of my illnesses, or because of my awesomeness, but I want to talk about it anyway.

The first example that comes to mind for me is arcane beliefs vs. nihilism.

My arcane beliefs come in the form of... I am magical, people have "energy" fields, I can shape the world with my intentions and desires (which, whichever way you look at it, is true on a personal level; when you want something, you go looking for it, and if you look for things, you find them). People, and their beliefs, matter and affect the world around them. Even if I believe there's a certain science to the occult, and I do, it still boils down to "my life matters." My nihilistic beliefs are more along the lines of "nothing matters and we're all just bacteria on a big old rock in the vast emptiness of an uncaring universe." Nothing but coldness and a lack of importance. Which, strangely, I find as comforting as it is terrifying.

In my mind, these ideas are dichotomous: so completely separate that they should not be able to exist in the same mind. Reading over them now, maybe that's not the case... but that's only one example.

I have always existed in a state of metaxis: understanding reality and fantasy as separate, but living in both of those worlds with my entire self all the same. So many times in my life I've felt like two people. Two entire people. Which is extra curious, because for the most part, I live my life feeling like I'm only half a person. I don't know what any of it means, though. I'm not full of advice or wisdom or insight. I'm just acknowledging that these ideas exist.

Back to therapy tomorrow, for the first time in a few months.

Wish me luck.

With love, Aurora-Jak