Why are you doing this interview?

I’m doing this interview because I feel that it’s time to share my story in a concise, clear way. It’s time to show you guys exactly what I mean.
 

 

What are your personal experiences with disruptive mental health?

I’ve had undiagnosed bipolar and what we now suspect is autism pretty much my whole life. That goes against what people say about bipolar, but I remember my first highs starting when I was only 8 years old.

 

When I was younger and my life was easier, I didn’t perceive many problems in life or the way the world was run. I had an optimistic outlook, and I have a brain that blots out trauma – for example It turns out I was sexually assaulted as a child, and I blocked it from my mind completely for at twenty years.

 

So my mental health hasn’t been an issue for me until fairly recently – the last seven years. I had a child with someone, and upon leaving that someone, this person absolutely lost their mind. They became the most abusive person I’ve ever known, and I’ve been in a series of really f*cked up relationships since.

 

Protecting my child has always been my utmost concern, and to the best of my ability I have greatly succeeded at this. One person I have been unable to protect my child from is their father, who blames me for every single thing that went wrong, despite the fact that he picked the fights, constantly bailed on plans, and was unable to care for his own child if he knew I was with friends, out of sheer jealousy and or spite.

 

We were once targeted by a pair of paedophiles, who falsely befriended me with hopes of gaining access to my child. I was always wary of them, and never left them alone with my son purely out of instinct. When the police came to tell me who these people were, I felt crushed and betrayed and furious all at once.

I remember reaching out to the father of my child, and he has used me being targeted by criminals as a weapon against me to try and undermine my parenting.

 

Even though I made sure our child was always safe, and even though he has never even been there.

 

I’m still furious about it now, and due to his abusive nature I severed contact with him over a year ago.

 

My mind is a chaotic whirlpool. When I’m up, I’m elated, like a bunch of helium balloons on a windy day. When I’m down, I feel like it’s the worst I’ve ever felt – every time. EVERY time. When I’m in love, I love fiercely; when I’m hurt I’m gutted. My highs are literally like being on drugs, which I experimented with well before I ever had a kid, and so I am qualified to say.

 

I have trouble talking about my experiences. Not just because I’m ashamed, though I am. But I can handle shame ok. I would talk about things I’m ashamed of quite openly. I’m prone to jealousy and paranoia, for example, questioning whether or not I can trust people. I have been manipulated and gas-lit by half a dozen people in half again as many years.

 

But it hurts to recall these details. There are nights of my life that were so fucked up that to recall them causes a PTSD flashback – i.e. actual triggers (not the ignorant social-media-use-of-the-word kind), and so I will do no such thing. It’s really important to know your limits, lads and ladies.

 

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Did you find anything that helped you get through the Darkness?

This is going to sound like absolute BS, and I apologise in advance for that. But bear with me.

Faith gets me through the darkness.

I KNOW how it sounds but I swear, I’m not one of those people. Faith is just another kind of optimism, but with some relief in the mix. Faith that I will get better. Faith that this moment will end. Faith that I can reach out to someone, somewhere, even though sometimes that kind of support is almost impossible to find.

 

I’m also a spiritually-inclined person – at least partially. The logical side of myself is a firm disbeliever, but my fantastical side is pretty powerful, and she just believes whatever she wants, and that works for me.

 

I can’t tell you what works for you. You have to look for that within yourself. Literally anywhere is a good place to start.

 

Other things that have helped: distractions, GOOD friendships, drawing, writing and medication. Medication took my brain from daily melt downs to pretty-good for roughly 8 of every 10 days. Even my melt downs hurt less, and they were really, really screwing with my life, and my relationships.

 

 

What are your thoughts on mental health awareness projects such as #OOMMAHFOM?

I think it’s important to reach out to people who are suffering, because poor mental health is terrifying to experience. I know how it feels to sit in the shower and stare at your legs, wishing you could slice into them. I refuse to do it, because I have a child, and because I know it’s addictive. For any self-harmers out there, I’ve heard that drawing on your skin with a marker, instead of a blade, can be a really good substitute.

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Do you have any particular words of wisdom to share with our readers?

 Stay strong. There’s a saying that goes “we don’t know how strong we can be until we are forced to be it.” People who are fighting that daily battle with their own brain are some of the strongest, bravest people on the planet. Not everyone knows how it feels to have a brain that’s urging you to crash your car or just lay down and die. To fight that is hard, damn hard. But you’re doing it right now and that’s f*cking amazing. I’m so goddamned proud of you, LEGIT.

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How has talking about these things today made you feel?

| Wary, and weary. It’s not easy to talk about these things, even as vaguely as I have. I’ll talk about things more as this page continues to grow – maybe it gets easier to tell your story the more times you do.

 

Keep your chin up, beautifuls.
It gets better.
                          - Aurora Jak Rose